dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
