I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
