And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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