he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
