I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Michael Bay diarrhea
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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