I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
