im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
