onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
