and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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