Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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