Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
