I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
