your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
