I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
