PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
