I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
