If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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