I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
