Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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