My sheets look like a crime scene.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
