Have you finally orgasmed yet?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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