I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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