I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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