I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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