I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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