I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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