Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
