You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
