Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
