I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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