you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Found the puke drawer
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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