I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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