What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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