Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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