franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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