after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
