Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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