He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
