i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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