Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
