My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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