I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
