I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
