just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
