I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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