I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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