i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
