You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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