I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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