My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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