Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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