someone threw a dead crab at me
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
