i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
